Current Stats

Current Weight: 391lbs ( -49 lbs )

Current Measurements:

Neck: 19.5″ ( -1″ )

Waist: 50.5″ ( -10″ )

Hips: 52.5″ ( -1″ )

Biceps: 18″ ( -1.5″ )

Thighs: 31″ ( -3.5″ )

Stomach: 55.5″ ( -5″ )

Morning

I slid on my last days off, and last night, a bit.  I am determined to find a workable solution to my impulsive boredom eating.

I woke up at around 9:30am this morning, and worked on my hotshot.repair website some.

10:30am

I went upstairs and cooked an egg, a sausage patty, an avocado, and a slice of toast.  The goal with this meal was to put the hunger at bay, but not eat so much to make me sleep all day.  I also ate lite in case I fell off the wagon, it would provide a buffer, if I got into crackers or bread today.  My willpower was strong this morning.  Mom brought home some cake from St. Louis.  My Nan makes awesome cakes.  I opened it up, and saw it, and then put it back.  I am amazed, because I wanted to eat the shit out of that cake, but I wrapped it back up.  Then I opened up the bread cabinet, and saw hotdog buns and wanted to eat those, but avoided that.  I am on a slippery slope with the slice of bread I ate this morning.  Bread is like crack to me.  If I get started, I will not stop, until I pass out, or run out of bread.

Addiction is a funny thing, unpredictable, and it is different for everyone.  I am very familiar with it.  I know that if I have one drink, that will quickly become 2, then 4, then 8, and so on.  I am worried that one slice of bread, is similar.  I know that once I get started, I won’t stop.  I also know that eliminating bread altogether creates a situation where, similar to my early sobriety, I will go for periods of not drinking, and then fall off, and binge, and have to climb back on the wagon, after a weekend of binge drinking.  I wonder if I can create a situation where bread isn’t outlawed, but is closely regulated.  Is willpower, and discipline like a muscle, where you can make it stronger by using it?  I wonder.

In the past couple of months, I have been kind of yo-yoing around 390lbs.  This is because I will fast for a week or so, and then my days off roll around, and I binge like the world is coming to an end.  I will go from 384lbs, back up to 398lbs, and have to work that off over the next 4 or 5 days.  This is not progress, I’m afraid.  I want to try to eliminate the binge episodes, but I don’t think eliminating a whole food group, is a good idea.  I wonder if I am just trying to find a way to get bread into my diet, as an excuse?  I am not sure.  I know that bread is my weakness, but I think I should find a way to incorporate it, without killing myself with it.  I think for any future plan to succeed, I need to work on my willpower, and discipline.  And to do that, I think willpower needs to be tested, boundaries reached, and feelings noted, so I can recognize where boundaries lie.

I don’t know, maybe I am on the wrong track.  Maybe discipline is not doing the shit you know is bad, in the first place.  Maybe my slice of toast was a terrible idea, and is simply inviting temptation.  I know I will not stop at just one drink, and the best thing I can do, is simply not start.  I wonder if bread is similar?  Maybe.  On the other hand, it feels like my diet is lacking.  When I have a sausage patty, egg, and avocado, I want toast there, damnit.  The same can be said when I have steak, and fries;  I want beer there, but I don’t, because I know the consequences.

I’m rambling, and losing my train of thought.

Whether the toast was a good or bad idea is up for debate.  The goal today, is to keep it reasonable.  Let’s try to stay out of the damn Ritz crackers, and cheese, and pretzel chips, and hot dog buns, for the love of God.

Lunch is rolling around, and I am planning my next feeding.  I think I will stick with chicken and vegetables, but I am going to try to get in 16ozs of veggies in this meal.  I think I will try to put it off for another two or three hours. I want to keep lunch later in the day so I don’t over eat at dinner.  I am also planning to eat dinner later in the day, maybe around 7pm or so, to keep any late night snacks at a minimum.

Walking was going great until Friday.  I was trucking along, feeling invincible, and then I reach the crest of a hill on College, onto Paris, and my knee starts to ache.  I need to ball up and get a brace for this damn thing.  I hate to admit it, but I am not 20 anymore, but using a brace feels like a weakness to me, and I hate admitting my weaknesses.  I have to do it though, because my bad knee is putting a crimp in my walking routine, and I can’t have that.  So far my knee is my only stopping point.  My heart is ticking like a clock, my muscles don’t ache, and I barely break a sweat.  I would like to up the intensity, but that has been pushing my bad knee over the edge.  I need to get that taken care of.

I also need to keep an eye on my water intake.  I have been under performing in this area, and I need to get back on track there.  The goal for today is to get in 3 72oz bottles of water.  I am working on my first right now.

Afternoon

2:40pm

I have been working on this page pretty much all day.  I am about to head upstairs and make a late lunch.  Hunger is maybe a 3/10, and is present, but not bad.  I am hoping I can avoid that cake, and any other bad items.  I will see, here in about 30 minutes; I will keep you updated.  I am still working on my first bottle of water, but plan to finish it before I head upstairs, and then start working on my second.

Lunch was very good.  A Tyson Teriyaki chicken tenderloin fillet, and 16oz of northwestern vegetables, and about a tbsp of sweet cream butter.  Very tasty.  I am working on my second bottle of water today, so we are on track there.  When I went upstairs to make lunch, I did eyeball the cake, but it remains untouched.  That was about the only problem I had.  I am safe in my room again.

4:10pm

Feeling pretty hungry, right now.  I am kind of fighting the urge to go up and grab food.  I am probably going to go up and grab an apple, and some almonds.  I hope I can stay out of the bread cabinet.

I am heading upstairs to go do the dishes, and will probably grab a snack afterwords.

So far, so good.  Hopefully the apple, and almonds, will keep me out of the kitchen for the next few hours, but that may be unlikely.  I just hope that any snacking that I do, will be reasonable.

6:20pm

I am starting to get hungry, or maybe just bored.  No, these are definitely hunger pangs.  I think I will head upstairs and see what I can make for dinner, and then watch the latest episode of The Walking Dead.  I am thinking 7oz of top sirloin, with 16oz of vegetables, to get in my two pounds of vegetables for the day.  I was hoping I could put off dinner a little longer, to push or eliminate the late night snack.  I might see if I can hold on dinner for a bit.

Evening

6:50pm

I had a 7oz top sirloin steak, with 16oz of northwestern vegetables, and about a tbsp of butter.

after I let the steak settle a bit, I mixed 1/3 of a cup of plain Greek yogurt, with a half a scoop of Optimum Nutrition Strawberry protein powder, and a small handful of mixed berries, and 2 tbsp of whipped cream.  I forgot to take a photo of it, but it was really good.

I did finish off the lemon cake, which by the time I got around to it, equaled less than a 1/3rd of a cup of cake, so not so bad, but I did eat it.

On my way downstairs, I grabbed 4 Ritz crackers, and a single stick of cheese, and ate that.

Toward the end of my day, I violated some of my rules, but my goal was to keep my cheating within reason.  I feel that I accomplished that goal.  I am nearing the end of my day, and will probably not snack any further.  I will probably head to bed, and give it another try tomorrow.

I am still working on my third bottle of water, and should finish it before I head to bed.

9:45pm

I was wrong.  I got hungry again, so I went upstairs and grabbed another apple, and a small bowl of almonds, and snacked on that.  Still, not too bad, compared to my usual routine on my days off.  At least I didn’t eat my way through a stack of Ritz crackers, and a half a pound of cheese, among other shit.